Helping a child cope with loss is perhaps one of the most important roles an adult can play. In effect, you are helping that child develop skills that can last a lifetime.
For children, the death of a loved one can affect their sense of security. Like adults, children express loss by grieving. Yet children may not demonstrate the grief in the same manner as adults.
Coping with death is vital to a child’s mental health. The best thing is to let the child grieve in their own way. Long term denial of death or avoidance of grief is unhealthy for children and may resurface later with more severe problems.
WAys to help a child cope
- Children are concrete in their thinking. To lessen confusion, avoid expressions such as “passed on” or “went to sleep.” Answer their questions about death simply and honestly. Only offer details that they can absorb. Don’t overload them with information.
- Children can be fearful about death and the future. Don’t offer false comfort. Give them a chance to talk about their fears and validate their feelings. Offer a simple expression of sorrow and take time to listen.
- Children are repetitive in their grief. Respond patiently to their uncertainty and concerns. It can take a long time to recover from a loss.
- Children are physical in their grief. Watch their bodies, understand and support their play and actions as their “language” of grief. Offer reassurance.
- Children grieve cyclically. Expect their grief to revisit in cycles throughout their childhood or adolescence. A strong reminder, such as the anniversary of a death, may reawaken grief. Make yourself available to talk.
- Children need choices. Whenever possible, offer choices in what they do or don’t do to memorialize the deceased and ways to express their feelings about the death.
- Children grieve as part of a family. Expect children to mourn the deceased and the environment that existed before the death.
- Children need honesty. Talk with children in terms they can understand. Take extra time to talk with them about death and the person who has died. Help them work through their feelings and remember that they are looking to adults for suitable behavior.
- Children need self-care. Help them nourish and nurture their body and brain while grieving with adequate sleep, hydration, food and exercise.
signs of grieving children
- Sadness
- Profound emotional reactions-anxiety attacks, chronic fatigue, anger, thoughts of suicide
- Feelings of anger, denial, shock and confusion
- Extended depression with a loss of interest in daily activities and events
- Inability to sleep, nightmares, loss of appetite, prolonged fear of being alone
- Withdrawal from friends
- Sharp drop in school performance or refusal to attend school
- Excessively imitating or asking questions about the deceased
- Loss of concentration and/or irritability
- Frequent physical complaints such as stomachaches and headaches
Remember, children may not be prepared for the intensity and duration of their emotions.
Getting help
At times of loss, adults do not have to handle all of their children’s needs on their own. There is help available. Because adults are often dealing with their own powerful grief, it’s especially important for families to reach out for broader support.
Professional resources:
- Your children’s teacher or school counseling services
- A pediatrician or other health care provider
- Bereavement support groups for families and children
- Community-based mental health services
- Special camp programs for children who have had a family member die
- Counseling services
- A faith group
- Trustworthy friends and family members
- Web-based support services for people in bereavement
Online Resources:
Book Suggestion
The Good Mourning: A Kid’s Support Guide for Grief and Mourning Death by Seldon Peden II
The Good Mourning is a kid’s support guide for grief and mourning death. The book helps other boys and girls deal with the loss of a parent, grandparent, other close relative, or friend. The Good Mourning is an easily read book that helps children process, from a peer’s perspective, the broad range of emotions, thoughts, and pain experienced after the loss of a loved one. In a warm and conversational manner, the young author, whose mother died just before his 5th birthday, is supportive, uplifting, informative and transparent.
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